Wednesday, April 4, 2012

You Must Have Been Kissing a Fool

In my quest to meet other secure confident and "out" gay men here in Columbia, I continue to utilize the Grindr app on my iPhone in the hopes of connecting to someone of substance. 
You would think I would know better by now, especially at my age, and that I would not still be so susceptible to getting my feelings hurt.  
But I am human and I do feel, so the possibility unfortunately is very likely and happens more often than I like to admit.
That being said, I met up with this guy with whom I'd been chatting.  It was obvious from the beginning that he was hiding something, as he did not have a face picture posted, but he did send me one and seemed to be sincere enough for a face to face meeting; thus I decided to meet him.
As he pulled up beside my car in his ginormous Ford truck, I thought that a.)  he was completely closeted and/or b.)  he's got a little dingaling(you know how men love to overcompensate for their inadequacies).
We both got out and spoke.  He told me he was just visiting and had graduated from the University.  And in our brief conversation I could tell there was definitely not only a connection, but a chemistry that I haven't felt in awhile.
A chemistry that I am not afraid to admit clouded my judgment enough to allow myself to crawl up in the backseat of his truck with him.  
Now I am not above fooling around in the backseat of a car, but at my age, one would hope that I would not have to resort to such a location.  Anyway,  I went with it.
And I can honestly say that the heat of the kiss alone was worth the risk of being caught fooling around in the backseat of an F350.  
Literally I could feel how hungry he was to be with another man.  I honestly felt it too as I had not kissed a man or really been kissed in months.  
There was a safety and comfort in his embrace, even with that damn seatbelt jabbing me in my ribs.  I hadn't realized how starved I had been for that kind of connection.  And I'm talking about the kiss.  
There is nothing more intimate to me than kissing.  Anyone can have sex or just "fuck", but the kiss is where intimacy lives and breathes in my opinion. 
So when I crawled back out of his truck and we parted, I knew very well that I would probably not hear from him again.  I did though carry with me the residual warmth of that kiss and knew it would linger long enough to keep me satiated and even make me smile when I thought of him.
So when I got to the gym the next day and actually saw a dude that looked just like him walk by me,  I thought nothing of it. Then I saw the same guy peeking around a wall at me and continuously hiding every time I looked up at him and caught his eye.  I thought you have got to be kidding me.
It takes a lot to shock me, but I was literally bowled over.  I could not believe in this modern day and time that this guy with whom I had been intimate the night before didn't have the balls to at least say hello to me. Instead he hid. 
Then he tried to act as if I wasn't there when I said his name the next time he passed by me. I cannot put into words how speechless I actually felt. 
As I am not one to be played, and I do have balls the size of that F350 he drove, I walked up to him and had to literally get in his face for him to finally acknowledge me.  He made some excuse about being in town for work longer than planned, but my only intention in confronting him was to let him know he had been busted.
It may have been ok for him to treat someone else that way, but I was not going to pretend I too didn't see him and that his behavior was acceptable.  I  was pleasant and courteous when I approached him, but he knew he had been busted.  
I then sent an email to his Grindr account letting him know how disrespectful it is to not speak to someone with whom you have been intimate and that he is a coward and just another closeted redneck frat boy.  And I believe I concluded by calling him a punk ass bitch.  
I am not proud of how I responded in the email, but I was so hurt that he did not have enough respect for me to even say hi.  And I was crushed because the warm feeling I initially walked away with was now ice cold.
He responded with a message saying he was sorry that he didn't make his intentions more clear, but it didn't matter.  At that point there was nothing more to say.  I was not going to waste my time trying to teach a grown man what it means to have respect for oneself and for others.
I can only hope that he one day finds the strength to be honest with himself so he doesn't have to live his life hiding around corners and settling for the occasional "connection" in the backseat of his truck.

 

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Are you there God, it's me Margaret...I mean, Doug.

I often fear that I will end up alone if I stay here in South Carolina.
It seems that every man I find myself attracted to is either straight or married to a woman(most of these men are actually gay).  I find myself more likely to meet a Sasquatch than a masculine successful confident out and proud gay man here.  It literally is like finding a needle in a hay field.
And I don't think it is asking a lot to want to feel that connection to someone.  A connection that doesn't involve meeting online or in some random place like a gym locker room or sauna. This being the main place I have found that not only closeted or DL players score, but also men that are out and known to be gay in the community.   I just don't get it.  Or do I?
Because of the lack of acceptance here by society, there really is a lack of self pride in most gay men with whom I come into contact.  They have settled into a social existence or lack thereof that revolves around online hookups or gym stalking.
Now don't get me wrong. I too have succumbed in my own way to this lack of a social outlet.  
I recently became a member of a site called Grindr that literally tells you how close in proximity in actual "feet" you are to another gay man.  I couldnt believe this existed, and quite frankly, it is a little creepy to me.  Especially when you see the pool in which you have decided to take a swim.
All I can say is, fellas, ask someone close to you if your picture looks odd or weird or scary before you post it to your profile.  And stop describing yourself as "average". Who wants to be with someone who is average or even worse, would be so self deprecating as to describe himself in such a way.  And the lack of profile pictures just supports my theory that most gay men here are still in hiding.
In any major city, you can go on the same site and find headshots of every member along with an accurate profile.  True, it's probably a pic of some porn star or someone else completely, but at least one can hope that the guy looks like this.
My favorite question from the perfect stranger(without a face picture) is..."looking?", which means are you looking for sex.  It honestly makes me laugh. 
It's not that I'm above a sexual escapade with a hot stranger. I mean I'm not a prude or anything. But I have reached the point in my life where random sex or the casual hookup just doesn't interest me.  
I want more.  And by more I mean that I want to connect mentally and emotionally to another man.  I want handholding and and the occasional wink when others are around to let me know that I am with him.  And that takes a very secure man. The kind of man who isn't afraid to live and moreso isn't afraid to love.
Does that kind of gay man exist here?

Friday, March 23, 2012

Why Settle for Mediocrity?

Earlier today I was thinking about a conversation I had with first man I dated when I got back to Columbia.  
We had been having problems in our relationship because of some very basic differences in how we lived our lives and perceived ourselves.  
He considered himself "out" because close friends, a few family members, and a handful of work peers knew he was gay.  But by my standards of being out,  I felt he was still hiding under some blankets in the back of his closet.   It was extremely difficult to forge a healthy relationship with a man who was "kinda out" or "out" only when it served his needs(if you know what I mean).
When we would be out in public he was constantly paranoid of what people were thinking about us. And if I leaned in to tell him something, he would freak out because he was afraid that I might try and kiss him. 
It was honestly the most ridiculous behavior I had seen in years. I had actually forgotten what it was like to be around a gay man who was not comfortable with himself or his sexuality.  And I just could not relate.
My favorite memory, and I say this facetiously, is when I ran into him about an hour after I had left his bed one morning at Starbucks.  
We were both grabbing a coffee, not knowing the other would be there, when I saw him and one of his coworkers.  He noticed it was me and nervously introduced me, but I might as well had been some fraternity brother he had randomly run into that morning.  It was so awkward that I half expected him to slap me on the back or give me a high-five.  I literally could not believe that the same man who had been lying in my arms two hours earlier was now acting like I was some casual acquaintance or even worse, one of his "buds".
This sort of behavior was a constant bone of contention between us.  But I digress.
One night we had been arguing because I had told him he really wasn't "out" if he wasn't willing to bring me to a social function at work.  I then went into one of my diatribes about gay equality and how the south is still in the prehistoric age and how we deserve the same rights to love and express our love for one another.
His only response was that he was fine with the way things were here and if I didn't like it I should move.
I was disgusted.  I couldn't understand how someone could not only settle for mediocrity, but would actually welcome it.  And at that moment I realized that I too was settling for mediocrity by being with him.
His being "fine with how things are"  is a perfect example of the apathetic nature of many of the gay men I have met here.  
And it is a huge problem for me.  
How can things ever change if the gay men who live here in the South are ok being second class citizens and are ok with "how things are".  
Well I'm not ok with how things are and the last person I should have to plead my case to is another gay man. 
If we, as gay men, aren't on the same page then how can we expect society to grant us the liberties and respect we deserve?!!
We cannot sit back and place blame unless we too accept some of the credit for why things haven't progressed any further towards our own equality.
They always say that change starts at home.  
Look at yourself and your life and decide...
Have you settled for mediocrity or are you living the life that you deserve to live?

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Can we talk??!!!

When I first heard the news about the married senator being arrested for lewd behavior in a public restroom at an airport a couple years back I had to laugh.  Listening to him try to talk his way out of what he was caught doing was so hysterical because any gay man could tell you  what his intentions were and that the charges were in fact valid.  
I even have first hand experienced over the years the toe tapping or the even more creepy running of the finger under the wall of a bathroom stall I was using by some closet case or desperate stranger in the stall next to me. 
First of all, to anyone who has done this, I think I can speak for most gay men when I say that there is nothing sexy about being hit on through the use of gesticulations while using the bathroom.  The last place I would ever want to have some sort of  sexual rendezvous would be a public toilet and least of all with some creep who is crazy enough to think for even a second that I would.  
But this is the state of our country and the mentality of so many men who are closeted, and on the DL; many if not most of whom still have wives at home.  And whether it be society, work, family, religion, fear, or whatever the excuse that keeps them enslaved to their double life, their behavior only propagates and reinforces this country's negative viewpoint and attitude towards homosexuality. 
And this brings me to life in present day South Carolina.
I have found that it is almost deemed more acceptable here if you are gay and have a wife at home, then if you are out and proud and living a truthful existence.  I personally have come into contact and met more married, obviously gay men, here in the south then I have those who are out and proud. Why are we so behind down here?  It just doesn't make any sense to me.  
I first of all cannot understand this lack of respect a man has for himself that he could settle to live a lie, let alone the disrespect he has for his wife and children.  And it isn't as if people aren't aware of it.  It just seems to be an overlooked or unspoken truth.  One that most people here think doesn't exist because no one will talk about it.
Well. I want to talk about it.  
I find it unacceptable and quite frankly hurtful to the gay movement for so many gay men to remain hidden behind the veil of marriage or to remain on the DL.  
They are only passing along a message to our youth that it is unacceptable to be gay and that it is acceptable to lie and deceive.
When I first moved back to town from NYC I immediately wanted to pack my bags and leave.  I couldn't imagine living one more day in a place where not only was there no gay community but the only way  I was told i could meet people was to go online or to hang out in public saunas.(Two points I will touch on in future posts).
I thought I must have reentered the Dark Ages.
Having lived in a large metropolitan city for most of my adult life, I know what it is to feel the freedoms that all humans have the right to experience. I know what it feels like to have an intimate dinner with a lover in a public restaurant and hold his hand.  And I know what it feels like to be spontaneously kissed by a boyfriend in public without any negative fallout from possible onlookers.  Actually I have been told on more than one occasion how beautiful we were
and how happy others were for us. 
In short I know what it is like to experience those same freedoms that every heterosexual takes for granted on a daily basis. 
And moreso I don't feel I should have to move back to New York or another city in order to live freely.  Please understand, I don't expect it to change overnight.
I do however feel it is ltime to begin this discussion and to start being honest.  I can no longer remain complacent and sit idly by as our gay youth remain brutalized as a result of their fathers' apathy and lack of courage.  
The silence is killing us.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Yes there is a Santa Claus...

I met a sweet guy last night. While we were talking and getting to know one another, I had mentioned Fire Island. He immediately told me that his mom had partied there back in the 70's, which I thought was fascinating, as I had lived there briefly myself. 
He then told me a story about how he used to ride in the car with his mom and she would play Whitney Houston's "I'm Every Woman"; and how she would encourage him to sing along. He said at five he was singing about how he was "every woman" at the top of his lungs with his mom cheering him on.  
I thought it was a fabulous story and even more so I loved hearing a childhood memory from another gay man that evoked joy and laughter.
It really reminded  me of singing similar songs with my mom and dad when I was little and how they equally supported me.  My favorite being Charlene's "I've Never Been To Me". (This also shows my age.) 
But I can remember sitting between my folks and just living that song out loud at five. "I've been to Nice and the Isles of Greece while I sipped champagne on a yacht..." I laugh now when I think of the words and how I felt every one of them at such a young age. I can still sing it word for word almost thirty years later.
And I'm sure we all as gay men and women have those stories that I like to call, "They must have known I was gay when..."
For me, singing Charlene, and loving Olivia Newton John, Donna Summer, and Diana Ross should have been some telltale signs, but my all time favorite memory had to be a beacon from the gay gods. 
It was my favorite Christmas ever. Santa brought me exactly what I asked for, a Ken Doll and a Dorothy doll from The Wizard of Oz.  I was in heaven.  The only thing that could have made it better would have maybe been a pet unicorn.  I literally felt like the luckiest little boy in the world because now I had my own barbies.  I think they gave me a GI Joe too but I was too focused on Ken and Dorothy to care.  And I wasn't old enough yet to perform a commitment ceremony for Ken and GI Joe.  
I have a feeling my parents knew and I will always be thankful that my folks embraced who I was and got what was on my Christmas list that year.
So I feel it is imperative that we all celebrate those memories from our childhood that make each of us special and unique.  
We no longer need to repress who we were as children, or be embarrassed or ashamed of the things that made us feel different.  
I want everyone to think of something from your childhood that made you stand out like a sore thumb and I want you to embrace that memory. I want you to celebrate that moment for the first time.  Turn that secret into a funny anecdote or endearing tale.  It no longer has to be that horrific afterschool special in which you were the star. 
And I have too many starring roles in such specials to count.  But when I now reflect on those times from the past I smile because I am still that eccentric, dramatic, funny, flamboyant, creative, artistic, awkward, clumsy, insecure little boy I  used to be.  But I'm not hiding it anymore.  Those qualities are the foundation of my character.  And I am a grateful for it more than anything else, because it makes me who I am and it is exactly who I was always meant to be.  
So if you are reading my blog, I would love to hear some of your memories from childhood that helped make you who you are today.
Be brave and know that we all share similar experiences.
You are not alone.

Dedicated to the Fearless Heart

Fear is so embedded in the minds hearts and spirits of the generations that precede us that it is often difficult to break tradition and live a brave and courageous life.  It is only through sheer self will and perseverance that we can break that cycle and move forward with a renewed strength and desire to uncover truth and liberate the oppressed.  
Only mere decades have passed since the abolition of slavery.  An entire race of people were actually persecuted because of the color of their skin.  It has always been an injustice for which this country should still feel shame.  
And here we are in 2012, and we, homosexual men and women, are still being persecuted because of who we love.  
We cannot change, nor do we choose to be different.  We are born this way.  Just as African Americans could not change the color of their skin, we cannot change who we were born to love.  It is the root of our very nature.  We are merely the "blacks" of the new millennium.
And here we are still being persecuted, judged, and often punished.  It makes absolutely no sense to me.
But fear runs deeply. I mentioned to someone close to me that I was writing this blog and he immediately asked if I was afraid of what people would think.  And this person completely loves and supports me.  So it just proves my point further that we all have to make a conscious decision to be fearless.   
And just so you know, my response 
was, "My very existence as a gay man, living my life openly and loudly, here in the South is often considered offensive, to which I could care less; so do you think I would ever care what people may think about what I have to say?"
I only express these thoughts to try to open minds and help others liberate themselves from the shame and guilt that they carry.  And I carry the same shame and guilt, but it is not mine.  Just as your burden of shame is not yours.  It belongs to society.  And it had been heaped upon us to carry because we are not like everyone else.  It has been tattooed on our spirits ever since we realized we were different.
I actually remember what it was like when I first realized I was gay.  I didn't know what it was I was feeling or that I was different from other boys.  I only knew it felt right and safe and true.  And it was innocent and pure and unscarred. 
It's not until I was bullied and harrassed and heckled for being "me" that I began to wear that cloak of shame and guilt.  It is no different than taking a rose that is about to bloom out of the sun.  It will slowly wither and die unless it finds the sun once again.
And that sun for me has been my loving and supportive mother who has stood behind me no matter what. And it is she who also helped me regain special memories of my childhood that were a testament to my homosexual nature even as early as four and five years old.  It is those very memories that show me how innocent and pure love really is and how much is lost, as we grow, when we are stifled by things like societal pressure, or religion, or legislature, or worst of all, hate.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

An Introduction to Me:GayJesseJames Outlaw for Change

I decided to begin a daily blog documenting the truth and the falacies of what it is like to live as a gay man in modern day South Carolina.  Many people believe things have changed drastically over the years as we strive to become a more accepting and compassionate society, but quite the opposite is still true.
I have lived most of my adult life in New York City where I never took for granted the most basic and primal freedoms that we all as human beings should all be afforded...the need to love and express oneself as truly as one desires.  Whether gay or not, most people are unable to fully appreciate the amount of freedom that comes with city life.  I have always said to anyone who lives in a small town or part of the country that is repressed by fear and ignorance; the things for which you have been persecuted will be the same things that will make you shine when you move to a big city.
Most heterosexuals just do not quite seem to grasp how lucky they are that they are able to love without boundaries, judgement, and persecution.  How lucky they are to be able to hold a lover's hand, steal a kiss, or lovingly touch their partner in public without the fear of possible reprocussion.
After living in what I consider the "real world", New York City, it has been extremely difficult moving back to South Carolina.  Even though I am out and proud and live true to my nature wherever I reside, the inability to live as openly and freely as I chose makes me feel as if I have been closeted once again.
I understand that this is "the South" or the "biblebelt" or "that change takes time here", but those excuses just don't cut it.  And what makes it worse is that it isn't just the typical conservative closeminded christian who is halting the gay movement in the South, but it is many of the gay men who live here.
I apologize to the gay men who live here in South Carolina or other southern states who stand up for their rights and are unafraid to live and love freely.  I do not mean to stereotype or generalize, but I have most definitely found that the majority of gay men here in South Carolina who should be setting an example for our gay youth have turned a cheek and settled to be placed in a box labeled "less than", "unwanted", or "apathetic", and put on a shelf somewhere in the back.
My daily accounts may surprise or at times offend, but I feel it is my duty to detail the truth that noone is willing to share or discuss.  I am not one to accept things as they are, or to succumb to societal pressure and judgement, so be prepared as you follow my blog that what you read is from my personal perspective and experience. 
And just a personal note to the reader:   My physical looks and how I carry myself most definitely affect how I am perceived by the general public. For the small town middle American who has a preconcieved notion of who a gay man is from watching movies or television, I break most of the stereotypes.  I am strong, confident, talented, and extremely proud, and I apologize if I sound arrogant, as I believe humility is key; but I often turn the heads of both men and women alike when I enter a room.
And I give that information so that the experiences I detail will make sense and be more understandable, as one's appearance most definitely affects another's perception of who he is. 
The goal of this blog is to detail truths that are often overlooked, feared, and ignored so that things will start to change more dramatically here in the South, and so we can all have the same freedoms and respect that we deserve.
I only ask that as you follow my blog you keep an open mind.  I am not here to bash the South.  As I have said, I am only here to state some facts that noone is willing to say aloud.
And quite frankly if you take any offense to what I write, then I believe you must still be living under a blanket of fear and ignorance, and need to ask yourself, "Am I part of the problem or the solution?"